Home invasion...

This story begins as I am on my computer in the living room (both of which I do not normally do) I was just minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear the sound of insect wings on glass.  At first I just thought that a fly had gotten into the house and that it was just trapped between the window and the blinds.  So, I kept on computing when I heard it again, and at this point it was starting to bug (no pun intended) me, so I decided to hunt out the insect and make it extinct.  To my surprise I turned around and upon the half moon windows that are above the main windows were wasps...plural...like 5 of them.  Well as any self-respected fag would do, I grabbed my dog and went upstairs and closed the door with a pair of jeans at the bottom to make sure that nothing would get under.  As I sat there watching tv, I got to thinking about how annoyed I was for having to forced into hiding and for whatever reason I figured I would take out my 'man-card' and deal with this threat myself.

I go downstairs and assess the situation, one was flying, which made me go on guard, the others four were just running into the glass like invalids.  Out to the garage I run only to find out that I do not have wasp killer or even a flyswatter.

I grab my keys and drive to the grocery store to buy liquid doom!  Side story here about how dumb some people are, I am in line checking out with ONLY the wasp killer:

Me : Hello
Cashier : Hey
Me: Do you guys have flyswatters? I couldn't find any.
Cashier: What for?
Me: ...................................*blank stare*.............................
Me: *I point to the only item I am buying, which happens to be for flying insects*
Cashier: Oh, no.
Me: Yeah, thanks.

Anyhow, I get back home and don my armor for the grand battle...a super heavy and thick jacket, winter gloves, jeans, and a magazine from the recycling bin.  So, now picture me dressed to kill...literally...in the kitchen psyching myself up like a football player would just before the big game:
 

"You can do this!" "You are so manly!" "You make more money than those dumb wasps!" "You can bench press more than them!"

I burst into the living room feeling like a king!!!!!!

WTF?!?!

Somehow while I was gone, those 5 puny wasps turned into 18!!!!!!   

As you can imagine, I was quickly deflated and ran right back out with my tail tucked between my legs!  How the hell is this happening?!  I know I can do this though, I CAN kill these invaders!  I call my mom and Chris and tell them I love them, and rush back in, I point Excalibur (Hot Shot for wasps and hornets) at this den of buzzing minions from hell and let loose............

In your mind please picture a 12 year old girl that just got front row tickets to see Justin Beiber in New York city...got it? Now use that high pitch scream when I explain what happened next....

Excalibur shoots (like a super-soaker) and these minions take flight, pissed as hell, flying in all directions, on a mission.......to kill me.  My spidey-sense took over and I (use it here) screamed and went running for my life.  I swear, I ran like they just announced a free underwear sale at the mall!!  I dared not turn around, I just ran outside and expected to see a swarm chasing after me, like in cartoons, but nothing.  Adrenaline pumping, still in my armor, I slowly creep back inside, not letting my guard down.  As I return to the site of the battle I saw a scene out of some zombie movie, all of them were flailing around on the ground and stinging at the air.  I took this as my chance and sprung into action, with my trusty magazine I extinguish their horrid lives, pausing only to make sure there weren't any that were trying to flank me. 

The dust settles and I am left panting, sweating, and full of testosterone.  I look to my left and see that there are three more in the fireplace...all the pieces fall into place.  There is a nest in the chimney!!  I am pumped so I immediately spray the whole front of the fireplace door and then open and spray the stragglers. Yank the flue closed and spray the perimeter of the opening.  Eighteen wasps dead.  A home saved from utter chaos.  

Mission accomplished.

As I stood and looked around, all I could see was a room filled with  the bodies of my foes.  I remove my armor and bask in the glory of victory.  

My man-card gets a new whole punched in it.

  I have a ways to go before I reach Chuck Norris status, baby steps...baby steps.